Quest for Homeostasis: Part One.
by Alan Smithee
Summary: I had to skip a few past my last one due to time constraints (I'll get to them later), but here's the first of one that'd come afterwards. Two people get switched with Squall, real-toFFVIII, and hi-jinks ensue.(Lieberman Rating: Part one involves profanit
1. Default Chapter Title

"The Quest For Homeostasis."  
  
Some of these characters/situations/other stuff may be the copyright of SquareSoft. This isn't as needed as a warning, but the writer doesn't want to get sued by The Man.   
If you have any criticism on this work, send it to ReLect0@aol.com or step inside. If you feel the need to flame this work, I got two words for you, SUCK IT!   
Anything else? Oh, yeah. I got the script for the game's first two discs from Rekka's Wings of Fire Sanctuary—  
Realm of the Forbidden Writers Script Project, so big ups to them. Other than that, Don't do drugs. Unless it is for good reasons.Ah, screw that, Smoke crack and worship Satan.   
  
The story so far (in theory):  
  
This takes place immediately after the events in the still-unfinished "Saving Selphie Tilmitt." All that's important to know (for now) is they find her and some crazy shit happens. (There's also supposed to be an FF7-based item somewhere before this, but it's currently on a "Screwed up School E-mail system- based hiatus.")   
Extras: If you put in a review in whichever Chapter you choose for it or E-mail the author and ask for me to pass you the "Napster List", I'll send you an exclusive list of songs for a soundtrack to the specific chapter.  
  
  
Chapter One.  
  
  
  
"Dude? What the hell happened?" Alan asked Canabis.  
"I don't know, I just got here."  
"What's this beach? Are we near my house?"  
"Oh, just fucking BRILLIANT. I have to fight my way through a crappy game, and you just get to go home? WHERE'S THE FAIRNESS THERE?"  
"Hey, wait a minute. The beach near my house is messed up and the water's a sickly green-black color. This beach is clean and the water's blue. This beach is too clean. THIS BEACH IS TOO CLEAN!" Alan went hysterical.  
"Hey, what's this...music?"  
  
"I'll be here…   
The two suddenly got a bad Ricky Martin-esque accent.  
"IN BED!"  
I'll be 'waiting'…here…  
"IN BED!"  
I'll be waiting…for you…  
"IN BED!"  
so...  
If you come here…  
You'll find me.  
"IN BED!"  
I promise."  
  
Suddenly, the two were thrust into a battle.  
"Oh, crap. That's not...Seifer?" Alan asked.  
"I believe it is." Canabis replied.  
"SHIT! I don't know how to use a gunblade!"   
"Do they have some form of manual?"   
"Nope!"  
Seifer started to attack.  
"What the hell!"  
"He is just being SUCH a roughneck right now." Canabis replied.  
Seifer went in for the attack. He proceeded to slash Alan in the face.  
"YOU WHORE!" Canabis shouted.  
"WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR, MAN? I'm a VERY attractive man! The LAST thing I need is a scar or anything!" Alan proceeded to wave the gunblade around with a renewed purpose, finally getting Seifer in the same spot.   
"YES! MAKE LIKE REGIS: EAT SHIT AND DIE!"Canabis shouted.  
  
Alan awoke in Dr.Kadowaki's office.  
"First off, who are you?" she asked.  
"Um, I'm a...Transfer Student. From, uh...The Boston Garden! Yeah, that's the ticket." Alan replied.  
"Well, nice to meet you. So, How are you feeling?" the doctor asked.  
"Well, there is that whole problem of My forehead hurting due to Seifer beating me up and knocking me to the floor..."  
"Ah, I see you've met Seifer Almasy: The Official Wanna-bee Bad Ass of Balamb Garden."   
"Oog."  
"Well, it looks like your eyes are focusing. Why are they all red? Have you been crying?"  
"Um, no. Listen, you didn't take those...things you found in my pocket, right?"  
"What? Are you talking about those Chocobo Greens? No, I gave them to your friend to hold on to."  
"Excellent."   
"Well, it looks like you should be fine. Say your name for me."  
"Um, Slim Shady?"  
"YEAH. SURE."  
"Troy? Dexter? Sancho?"  
"Try again..."  
"Alan Smithee?"  
"ARE YOU A PSYCHO? NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE THAT ONE! ALAN SMITHEE IS REVERED THE WORLD OVER!"  
"OKAY! OKAY! IT'S TOM, DAMMIT!"  
"Excellent, Tom. Just out of curiosity, why not take it easy in training? Next time you might not be so lucky..."  
"But...I didn't want to train...Seifer surprised me...not experienced with a gunblade...I WANT MY MOMMY!"  
"Just try to ignore him and he'll stop on you...Oh, even I don't believe that bullshit."  
"What? Just run away? Don't you know the code of the schoolyard?"  
"You wanna be a bad ass, huh? Well, don't come crying to me when you gethurt in the process. Let's see, your instructor is… Quistis! I'll call her down. Just wait here."   
"Quistis? Come meet your newest student. Yes, yes…"   
"His injury's not serious. It'll probably leave a scar."  
"DAMMIT! I'm too CUTE to have a scar!" Alan wailed.  
"……Right. Now please come by." The doctor hung up. As she left, a girl in green walked by.  
"Squall? Who are you? Ah, I have class. You're going to have to do..." Before she could start anything, Quistis walked in.  
"Alan? What are you doing here?"   
"Long story, 'Quistis.' Keeping it short, I have no fucking clue."   
"Come on, let's go. There's learning afoot. If you work at it, I might be able to get you on the field exam."  
They left the infirmary room. As they left, Canabis caught up.  
"HA, HA! TOM'S... NOT...A...PRETTY...BOY...AND I...GOT...HIS...GANJA..."  
  
"Alan, is something wrong?"  
"…not really. It's just a little..." Alan asked.  
"Not really...?"   
"And the point of that is...?" Canabis asked.  
"Point? Oh, there is no point. I think that Alan's trying his hardest to be Squall, that's all."  
"Come on. There's more to me than that guy. I have worse hair and a decided lack of leather pants." Alan replied.  
"So, what else? Tell me exactly what makes you more than a Squall ripoff." Quistis asked.  
"It's none of your…"  
"…Business. Come on, 'Shower', time for class."  
  
Canabis and Alan left for their seat. Quistis headed to the front of the room.  
"Good morning, class. Let's start with today's schedule. There seem to have been some rumors flying around since yesterday…   
Yes, the field exam for SeeD candidates will begin later this afternoon.   
Those not participating and those who failed last week's written test are to remain here in study hall.   
Field exam participants will have free time until the exam.   
Just be sure you're in top condition.   
Meet in hall at 1600 hours.   
I'll announce the team assignments there."  
Any questions?"  
"Um, What's the meaning of life?" Alan asked.  
"Dude, we know it's 42!" Canabis whispered, then raised his voice to ask, "Where do babies come from?"  
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Oh, and Seifer!  
Play nicely with the transfer students."  
"Field exam participants, I will see you all later. And you new students, I need to talk to you." Alan and Canabis headed over to the teacher.  
"You haven't been to the Fire Cavern yet, have you?"  
"Um, that whole 'Just Got here' thing..." Canabis said.  
Look, I was able to get you through the rest of it, but come on! You two won't be able to take advantage and enter today's SeeD exam if you don't pass this prerequisite. On that one: Saying you're from the Boston Garden? Are you crazy, 'Tom'?"  
"Hold up, man. You told them you were from the Boston Garden? DUDE! You should have told me so we could synchronize! I had to say I was from the Madison Square Garden!" Canabis said.  
"Well, I would have went earlier, if Seifer wasn't such a total WHORE and ruined my face..."Alan replied.  
"Come on! I can't use that as an excuse."  
"Okay then. MEANY!"  
"Let's just get going. Just go and review Squall's notes at the study panel. I'll be waiting at the front gate, so come down when you're ready.   
"Okay, Teacher."Alan and Canabis replied. They headed over to talk to the onlookers.  
"I…I'm so jealous! Maybe I should take up that subject, too…"  
"Um, yeah. We're going with Quistis. Just lay back, maybe listen to your Indigo Girls CD's..." Alan replied.  
"Should anything happen to Instructor Trepe, the 'Trepies' will get you back!"  
"Oh, don't worry. We won't do anything to her that will be visible for at LEAST four months." Canabis said.  
"Alone with Instructor Trepe… ::snaps fingers::"  
"Don't worry, brother. We'll be sure to let you smell our fingers."  
"Excellent! I'll call you on that!"  
  
The two left the room. As they left, they ran into a straggler.  
"I'm late, I'm late, I'm LATE!" She ran right into Canabis. "Waaah!"  
"Was it good for you too?" Canabis replied.  
"Um, yeah?"   
"EXCELLENT! ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER OF THE DEVIRGINATOR!"  
"Newsflash, That was taken a LONG time ago." the girl replied. Suddenly, she recognized them.  
"Hold up. Alan? Canabis? Are you in Quistis's class too? Is……homeroom over?"   
"Sorry, Selph."  
"DAMMIT! I overslept! Well, as long as you're here, do you need a tour of the Garden?"  
"Not necessary." Alan replied. The two headed down to the front gate.  
  
"Um, do either of you have a GF yet?"  
"Um, we don't need them. We're Golden Gods! Los Conquistadores! Remember?" Alan said.  
"Still, assuming you don't need a GF? That's a little...cocky. I remember two OTHERS who thought they didn't. Died but good, they did." Quistis replied.  
"Well, okay. Did you steal Squall's GF's?" Canabis asked.  
"Yeah. Geez, what's with you and stealing? Soon you'll be sucking dick for taurine, man!" Alan took out the GF's. "Do you want the thunderbird or the naked chick?"  
"OF COURSE I WANT THE NAKED CHICK! You don't think I know about how it works?" Canabis replied.  
"Okay, man. Here you go." The three headed over to the Fire Cavern.  
  
"Okay…Let me check. Junctioning magic. Do you know how to?" Quistis asked.  
"Checked it in the game." Alan replied.  
"You know how to use your CD player, right?"  
"No diggity, no doubt," Canabis replied.  
"Oh, ok. Alright, let's rock!"  
They headed to the entrance.  
"Your Mission: To obtain a low-level GF.   
A SeeD member must support. Are you ready?"  
"Hell yeah," the two replied.  
"I'm supporting. Instructor No. 14, Quistis Trepe. "  
"Select a time limit."   
"I can do this in 20 minutes."Canabis said.  
"I can do this in 10 minutes." Alan replied.  
"We pick 15 minutes." they said.  
"Very well. Good luck." The three headed in.  
"My job is to support you two in battle. Everything else is up to you."   
"Does that involve just between us, or everything...including you?" Alan asked.  
"Um, what do YOU think?"  
The three headed further in.  
"You know, the boys often choke on this test when I come with them.   
I guess my charm makes them nervous."  
"You know, there IS a way you can help us 'relieve the tension'..." Canabis replied.  
"You two are way too...teenage male-like, aren't you?"  
The three headed deeper in.  
I guess my theory was right.   
You two can handle being SeeDs.   
You both have amazing strength and potential.   
"Are you going to make sweet love to us now?" Canabis asked.  
"Ok, this is it. Are you ready?" Quistis asked.   
"Hell yeah," they replied.  
"You seem confident enough."  
"Did you expect anything less?" Alan asked.  
"One question. This guy's a fire elemental, right?" Canabis asked.  
"Yes. Why?" Quistis asked.  
"Just wait." Canabis took out three huge joints and rubbed them on Ifrit to light them. "Want one, Quisty?"  
"Eh, sure."   
The three put the joints in their mouth and started to smoke them while fighting.  
"Whip. WHIP Ifrit. Whip IT. WHIPPIT! HAHAHAHAHAHA!" Quistis yelled as she tried to whip the GF.  
"Limit Break, um, VANILLA SMOOTH!" Alan took a Vanilla Ice CD and played it. The humans' HP decreased a bit, but Ifrit's decreased a huge amount.  
"Whoa, man. Groovy." Alan replied.  
"Now my turn, dude!" Canabis called on Shiva, who came up and destroyed Ifrit.  
"Dude, I'm a crossdresser!"Everyone started laughing.   
"DAMMIT! I hate Shiva! Eh, I'll join you."  
"AWESOME!" The three tapped Ifrit and left quickly.  
  
Stay tuned for part two. 


	2. Default Chapter Title

Part two.  
  
The three quickly ran off. Within no time, they had reached Garden.  
"Whoa, that was, like, groovy, man. So, there's something...I'm supposed to ask... Something important... Oh, yeah! Do you guys think you could burn me a copy of that Guster bootleg?" Quistis asked.  
"Um, why would you want that?" Alan asked.  
"No reason, wait, I remember what I needed to ask. Do you know how to take care of a GF?"  
"Oh, I can *take care* of a GF, all right...."Canabis replied, "IN BED!!!!" Alan looked angry.   
"Dude, sure. You get the naked chick. How do I take care of the Thunderbird and the Big Red Beast-Thingy?"  
"Well..." Quistis replied, "that's a dilly of a pickle. Sucks to be you, huh?"  
"WHAT? You're an instructor! You can't do that stuff!" Alan looked angry.  
"Just change into your uniforms and head for the lobby." Quistis replied.  
"But we haven't gotten uniforms!" Canabis wailed.  
"Don't worry about it. Peace.." Quistis headed away, fainting in front of her Trepies. As Canabis and Alan left, one of them walked over.   
"You Sons-of-bitches, you fucked her, didn't you?" the guy asked.  
"Didn't we tell you we would?" Alan asked.  
  
The two walked into their dorms. Each picked out a different half and proceeded to change into their uniforms.   
"Dude! I'm set! Should I head over?" Canabis asked.  
"Not yet, man. I'm going to take a nap. Beating up on large red beast thingys always makes me sleepy." Alan curled up and fell asleep.  
  
"Whoa! I'm home! Is this a dream?" Alan asked. "Canabis! Wake up! What? He's not here? What's the dilly?"  
Squall walked over to Alan's car. "Hmmm. This must be the form of transportation that Alan uses. He must be a millionaire. Virtually no one I know of actually owns their own car."   
"Oh, crud. I'm looking...at my world?"  
Squall proceeded to head towards the Interstate and Alan's school.   
"Damn, Alan has good music taste. I wonder why he stuck me with those craptacular songs for my songfics..." Squall wondered. Within no time, Squall reached Alan's school.  
Squall walked towards the entrance as various people spoke to him.  
"Tom! What's going on! Excellent costume, man! What are you?"  
"Who's wearing a costume?" Squall asked.  
"What? Are you forming another character?" one asked.  
"Character?"  
"I'm going to need to talk to you somewhere in private." Squall gestured to one of the people and they both went to the guidance counselor's office. When they got there, they found a young skinhead talking to the counselor.  
"So you see, everyone else is into beating the hell out of punks and stuff for taking up Thayer, but I'm growing out of it. I'd like to start on a more grown-up venture, like my own floral shop...TOM! Steve! What's going on?"  
"Nothing. I need to talk to Dr.Kadowaki...the counselor."  
"Oh. Character, eh? You might want to speak with Josh. He's the character guy."  
"Okay then."   
The two headed toward the signs, where they eventually found the person in question leading people in Improv games.  
"Tom! Excellent costume! What's going on?" Josh asked.  
"I am going to need your help on something, but before I do, I will need everyone to put all of their beliefs into the fact that the next words out of my mouth are the truth, because they will be." Squall looked motionless.  
"O...kay..."Josh replied.  
"To begin with, has anyone played the game Final Fantasy 8?" Squall asked. A scattering of hands were raised.  
"Good. I am Squall Leonhart from said game. I had gotten this guy I knew as 'Alan' that all of you know as Tom and his little sidekick Canabis to help us locate one of our characters who was stuck in your universe, and a time-space warp occurred while I was trying to go home. As a result, I am here, and 'Tom' and 'Canabis' are in the video game as we speak." Squall looked determined. The people started laughing.  
"YOU RULE, TOM!" they said.  
"Actually, I believe Squall here. I mean, I always suspected Tom and Dave would get into some trouble. I mean, I put on both of their mid-terms, 'THESE TWO PEOPLE ARE GOING TO GET THEMSELVES STUCK IN A POPULAR VIDEO GAME IF THEY KEEP GOING LIKE THEY DO,'" Josh replied.  
"Yes. Basically, I need to know how to get help to free them so that I can go home."   
"Hold up. Do you think we should just all try and beat the game? Would that free them?"  
"Actually, isn't there three more games in Japan either now or coming out? Would they be saved?" the skinhead asked.  
"We'll have to check with Cary on that one. He's across the hall." Squall quickly ran across the hall.  
  
Alan woke up and decided to head over to the SeeD test.  
"Dude, what happened?" Canabis asked.  
"We're in deep shit. Squall has met Josh. With our luck, Squall's going to end up like us..."  
"A fate that will be too horrible for us to imagine." Canabis looked solemn. They walked over to the front of the Garden.  
  
  
"What's up, guys?" Quistis asked. "Teams are here as of right now. You guys have... Let's see… You'll be with… Zell Dincht. Quite a lively fellow."  
"Awesome, man!" Alan said.  
"Wait, isn't he the one who's...." Canabis asked.  
"Lord, no! That's Irvine! Zell's just a fat bastard."   
" Over here, Zell!", Quistis yelled. Zell quickly ran over to greet the two, looking at Alan's trademark "Mullet/Tail combination" and Canabis's trademark blue hair.  
"FINALLY! I meet two people with even more bizarre hair than I do!" Zell went to shake their hands. Alan and Canabis both put their hands out, then all three proceeded to slick back their hair.  
"Ah, I see you've been *initiated* by Seifer. Heard he whooped you pretty bad this morning."  
"What? This? No, it wasn't from Seifer!" Alan asked.  
"Actually, he got it in a clinch...with your mom...in bed!" Canabis replied.  
"WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY MOM?" Zell asked. " Look, Seifer's just being a pain in the ass. All you have to do is ignore him."   
"Easier said than done." Alan replied.  
"Ahem…" Quistis replied.  
"What do YOU want?" Zell and Alan asked.  
" Excuse me, but… That Seifer you're talking about…   
He's your squad leader."  
  
"SAY WHAT!?" Zell asked.  
"I'm sorry, but now me and my associates are going to need to make like we're dealers and just smack you up." Canabis said.   
"It can't be changed. Seifer! Are you here?" Quistis called. Seifer walked over to them.   
"Ah, yes. Fujin and Raijin tagging along as usual…" Zell said.   
"And as we all know, Seifer's had sexual relations with BOTH of them..." Alan replied.  
"You're the squad leader. Good luck to you." Quistis replied.  
"…Instructor. I hate it when people wish me luck. Save those words for a bad student that needs them, eh? You have three right here who you could..." Seifer replied.   
"Okay then." Quistis replied. Suddenly, she, Alan, Canabis, Zell, the Disciplinary Committee, and various people who were just walking by all yelled "Good luck, Seifer," laughing their asses off.  
"Add Instructor Trepe to the list!" Seifer yelled before running off to blubber like a little Catholic school bitch with a skinned knee.  
"Well then. You're all assigned to Squad B. I'll be the instructor in charge.Teamwork is of the utmost importance. Let's get through this exam, everyone!" Quistis walked towards the side.  
"Listen up! Teamwork means staying out of my way!" Seifer said to his squad.  
"Don't worry, we plan to. You smell like Howard Stern's ass!" Canabis replied.  
  
The four headed off to the car that the Garden was providing. As they went, the people got to talking.  
"Yo, Alan. It's a pretty long trip. Would you...'Show me your gunblade'?" Zell asked.  
"………"   
"Hey, Canabis, can you let him, 'Touch your fuzzy Autobot'?" Alan asked.  
"………"  
"Depends. Zell, will you let me 'play with your action figure'?" Canabis asked.  
"HELL NO! ALL I WANTED TO KNOW IS IF HE HAD A GUNBLADE, nothing else!" Zell asked.  
"Sorry, I don't. Canabis does have a fuzzy autobot and would be perfectly willing to show you, though..." Alan replied.  
"WHORE!" Canabis replied.   
Zell proceeded to start punching various people for no apparent reason. Seifer got angry. "Stop that…that really hurt!…Chicken-wuss!"  
"LOOK WHO'S TALKING, BITCH!" Zell yelled.  
"Knock it off!" Quistis said.  
"But he started it..." Seifer whined.   
"So, Quistis, who was that chick in the infirmary with us?" Canabis asked.  
"Was someone there?"   
"Well, yes, but we find out around disc two, so you don't need that stuff, man..." Alan replied.  
"Way to spoil the plot, Alan!" they all yelled.  
"This is great… I have Chicken-wuss, a little bitch, and a guy who can't keep his mouth shut in my squad..." 


End file.
